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Wit and Wisdom

Your Wit and Wisdom!

Do you have a mind full of interesting and bizarre facts or are you in possession of lots of useful hints and tips?

Well, Bitsnstuff needs your help as we would like to put together a collection of as many facts, hints and tips as you can muster. So if you have any interesting, funny, or unusual thoughts - please email them to us - Click here

The Collection so far ...

Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know. - T. Woodford

If your child gets chewing gum on their clothes, stick the item in the freezer, it is a lot easier to then pick off. - K. Peaurt

Trick passing aeroplane passengers into thinking you own a swimming pool by painting a large blue rectangle in your back garden. - Matt K.

Don't eat the yellow snow. - R. Holmes

Students When asked to write a 3000 word essay, simply draw 3 pictures, as they are worth 100 words each. - T. Hat

Attention shandy drinkers. Mixing Kaliber and Hooch makes a fantastic 'reverse shandy' - T. Hat

A cow releases about 125 gallons of gas per day. - Anonymous

A cockroach can live several weeks with its head cut off after which it dies of starvation. - M. Pearson

Butterflies taste with their feet - M. Pearson

The penguin is the only bird who can swim, but not fly - M. Pearson

More people use blue toothbrushes, than red ones! - J. Poole

A jellyfish is 95 percent water. - M. Pearson

A newly born kangaroo is born so small, that 15 could fit comfortably in an egg cup. - M. Pearson

Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying. - M. Pearson

On your wedding day, if you're wearing a big meringue and you need to go to the loo, simply pull the dress up at the front and sit on the loo back to front! Much easier than holding up yards of fabric at the back. - Sue

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. - M. Pearson

Bats always turn left when exiting a cave. - M. Pearson

Slugs have 4 noses. - M. Pearson

A man named Charles Osborne had the hiccups for 69 years. - M. Pearson

On average, people fear spiders more than death. - M. Pearson

In the great fire of London in 1666, half of London was burnt down, but only 6 people were injured. - M. Pearson

You are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than a poisonous spider. - M. Pearson

Thomas Edison, lightbulb inventor, was afraid of the dark. - M. Pearson

A giraffe can clean its ears with its 21-inch tongue - yum! - M. Pearson

You can't kill yourself by holding your breath. - M. Pearson

Fingernails grow nearly 4 times faster than toenails. - M. Pearson

You're born with 300 bones, but when you get to be an adult, you only have 206. - M. Pearson

Banging your head against the wall uses 150 calories an hour. - M. Pearson

Polar bears are left handed. - M. Pearson

An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. - M. Pearson

The elephant is the only mammal that can't jump. - M. Pearson

Hair washing can be a chore with toddlers whose screams are just depressing. but hair doesn't have to be washed - it's a self-cleaning mechanism and you will find that within about 3 weeks of not washing it will be in glowing condition. - A. Wildchild

Place a towel on the bottom of your baby's bath/the sink/your bath - wherever you bath your baby, as basically it stops slippage. - A. Wildchild

Hairspray gets ink off clothes and toothpaste cleans silver. - Jayne, Wakefield

I remember one Christmas when the paper boy came round and asked for his Christmas tip. My Dad told him: "never wipe your arse with a broken bottle"! - D. Mortimer

Take a bag of candy corn (do you have those in the UK?) and a bag of peanuts and mix them together. Eat a handful at a time: they taste exactly like a Snickers bar. - Steve

To get baby food out of clothes, use neat washing up liquid and a bit of elbow grease. - Shazl Ennon

Your skin is the largest organ in your body. - Fiona Bridger

Dog weeing on the carpet? Clean area with fabric softener as this diguises the smell and they won't do it again. - Nickie

In the 1400's a law was set forth that a man was not allowed to beat his wife with a stick any thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of thumb". - L. Coleman

Serving Champagne - Hold the bottle at a 90degree angle and slowly turn the bottle while firmly holding the cork. Like this you wont spill half of the bottle before you have even tasted it! Champagne needs to be served in tall, thin glasses as it stops it from going flat too quickly. Also did you know that if you serve champagne in a sterilised glass there won't be any bubbles. - Jacqui

Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language. - L. Coleman

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone. - L. Coleman

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury. - L. Coleman

Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better. - L. Coleman

Coca-Cola was originally green. - L. Coleman

It is impossible to lick your elbow. - L. Coleman

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair. - L. Coleman

The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer. - L. Coleman

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history: Spades - King David, Hearts - Charlemagne, Clubs - Alexander the Great, Diamonds - Julius Caesar - L. Coleman

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321 - L. Coleman

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes. - L. Coleman

Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"? A. One thousand. - L. Coleman

In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase: "Goodnight, sleep tight." - L. Coleman

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon. - L. Coleman

In English pubs, ale was traditionally ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down." It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's" - L. Coleman

Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice. - L. Coleman

Just because it looks weird, believe it or not, you can read it. I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdgnieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? - L. Coleman

Before peeling garlic, pop it in the microwave for 10 secs. it makes peeling so much easier! - Karen Wilkinson

More people are killed each year by donkeys than in plane crashes! - Zoe Ashpole

Ancient egyptians shaved off their eyebrows to mourn the death of their cats. - Zoe Ashpole

When you use the radiators to dry clothes, put them on the radiators in the rooms they belong in, this saves time sorting them out. - Kate Sabin-Burns

Get crayon and felt tip off walls easily - squirt with hairspray and wipe off with a damp cloth. - Jennie

Can't get a bottle top open, fasten an elastic band round it, comes off easy. - Jo Southam

The elbow is impossible to reach with the tongue (yes i have tried this). - Jo Southam

Short of time on cleaning up, clean the bathroom while the kids have a bath, you have to sit there anyway. - Jo Southam

If a sales rep calls and you don't want to talk to them tell them you need to turn the cooker off and just leave them there, preferably on speaker phone for added laughs (wicked I know). - Jo Southam

Don't sit on a cold wall it will give you piles. - Jo Southam

If you shop at Tesco they will accept ANY coupon for products that they stock up to the value of 10% of your shopping, you DO NOT have to buy the product. - Jo Southam

If you passed gas consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. - Joanna Poole

The human heart creates enough pressure while pumping to squirt blood 30 feet. - Joanna Poole

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour - Joanna Poole

On average people fear spiders more than they do death. - Joanna Poole

Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza every day. yummy!! - Joanna Poole

Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie - Joanna Poole

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do. - Joanna Poole

Polar bears are left-handed. - Joanna Poole

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure, kinky things lol. - Joanna Poole

JM Turner, a great English painter, had himself tied to the mast of a ship during a terrible storm, so that should he survive, he could recapture it on canvas , weirdo - Joanna Poole

A pigs orgasm lasts for half an hour. - Joanna Poole

There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange, purple, silver, and month. - Joanna Poole

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. - Joanna Poole

Never heat the bath water with an electric fire. - Toni C.

Don't vomit in the sink, the bits will never wash away easily ! - Toni C.

Don’t lick the 3rd rail on the railway. - Toni C.

If you don't want to suffer a hangover from the night before, just stay in bed and let hubby deal with kids! - K. Wilkinson

Put salt at the bottom of your bin to stop it from smelling. - K. Wilkinson

To clean leather (or similar) sofas and car interiors try using huggies cloth style wet wipes. this means adding no extra chemicals and is safe for children to sit on immediately! brings up the colour of the material fantastically too. a great job that the children can get involved in and help safely too!!!! - Suzi Dossitt

Don't throw out old toothbrushes - use them for cleaning round taps, awkward places on windowframes, and for getting dog poo off children's shoes (throw the one you use for that out immediately!) - Hazel

Toothpaste is great for cleaning stubborn stains off the bath or sink. - J. Dynes

More people die from coconuts falling on their head each year than the amount of people killed by sharks each year. - S. Dixon

Our fingernails grow at the same rate that the USA and the UK are drifting apart. - L. Wickens

You can remove wax from your laminate / wooden flooring by using nail varnish remover – very handy when your little one decides to draw on it!! beware – always do a test area first. - H. Carson

To get biro out of cotton clothing soak it in milk for a while then wash as normal! - C. Overal

Place an opened box of baking soda behind the toilet to absorb bathroom odours (works well for parties serving curries..!!!!) - N. Sendra

Going for fast food after a nights drinking can provide either a Compass Pizza or a GPS Kebab!! You'll always find your way home!!! - S. Doyle

My tip is beanbags, I had twins and couldn't have managed without them. Perfect for helping you prop them up while feeding or when comforting one twin, even used with with my third child. Really useful but just remember not to leave them on the bean bags unsupervised. - S. Taylor

Prevent red wine spillages from staining your carpet by wiping it up with white wine. To prevent any wine spillages at all, learn how to hold your drink! - S. Lee

Bee's buzzing noise comes from a number of air valves that run along each side of its body and NOT from the wings. The change in frequency of the buzz indicates their mode. it works much like a trumpet with each valve by varying the pressure being produced to alter the note. - A. Martin

To stop peeled potatoes going black before they are cooked - place a slice of bread on top of the pan. - B. Kerry

The opposite sides of a dice cube always add up to seven! - B. O'Sullivan

Take your babies hand and foot imprint then compare your baby to them each month you will be amazed how much they grow. - C. Bingham

To encourage your baby to eat finger food, put a few items on your plate when you are eating and hand them to your baby from there. Babies like to mimic adult behaviour and if they think they are having the same as you, they are more likely to try to put it in their mouths, than throw it over the floor etc. - E. Hicks

Even if baby has no teeth always give them a soft toothbrush to play with and chew at bath time - then there won't be any problems getting them to brush their teeth when they do come through. - E. Royle

Stick a brightly coloured picture/poster, with as many objects as possible on it, to your bathroom ceiling. When trying to was your toddlers hair ask them to look for one of the objects on the poster. They will tip their head back and you can rinse the soap from their hair easily. - W Clayton

My tip is to start a 'treasure memory' box for your little baby, include special cards, tickets of places visited, photos, first outfit, first tooth, first shoes, first drawing etc. It is lovely to go through before they start school, they can see their progress... - C. Dennis

Crossing one's fingers is a way of secretly making the sign of the Cross. It was started by early Christians to ask for divine assistance without attracting the attention of pagans. - L. Davis

Apparently more women go into labour during a full moon than at any other lunar stage. In the same way that the moon pulls at the tides, apparently it affects amniotic fluid the same, therefore bringing on labour! - Michelle L, Belfast

If you shake one of your arms vigourously for a30 seconds and then hold it parellel to your other arm, it will be about an inch shorter! - Keljbj

When learning to apply liquid mascara straight,Don't stick a sticker on your eyelid for the straight line it smudges when u take it off again. - L. Day

My tip is lots of new mums would love offers of babysitting so why not write out some vouchers for her to use when she needs them. - L. Annsforde

White wine poured on red will remove a stain. - Y. Parsons

When children are wanting to crayon but you don,nt want any crayon etc marks on tables, sellotape paper to the table and let them draw on that, saves hours trying to get marks out of family heirloom furniture... - C. Hadfield

To remove the nasty residue that sticky price label leave behind use a little liquid Brasso on a soft dry cloth and rinse off with soapy water. - S. Windridge-France

If you’ve got a teething child who’s really dribbly tie multi-coloured hankies round their neck ‘cowboy style’ as a stylish alternative to a bib! - S. Windridge-France

keep your baby’s first shoes & fill them with pot pourri when they are too small for your baby. - J-M Pettitt

Remember, a speech should by like a young lady’s skirt – short enough to be interesting, but long enough to cover the subject! - F. de Lima

To give tomatoes more flavour add a bit of sugar before placing it under the grill. - K. Russell

When making a bowl of cereal, pour the milk in circles around the edge of the bowl...it stops the cereal overflowing! - L. Steward

Always be kinder than necessary. - K. Baxter

Fix in velcro into the inside of wedding hats so that they fit more securely on one's head and do not blow off mid wedding photo! - VA Allen

Traffic lights were used before the advent of the motorcar. In 1868, a lantern with red and green signals was used at a London intersection to control the flow of horse buggies and pedestrians. - A. Martin

When inviting children to your wedding, stop them getting bored + ruining the day by making them wedding themed party bags. Include things like little pots of bubble, colouring sheets + pencils + non-sticky sweets. This should let you at least get the boring bits out of the way without interruptions! - Keljbj

You should always buy a really good bed and a really good pair of shoes because if you are not in one you are in the other. - D. Adams

Don't eat yellow snow!! - J. Gallagher

You use more calories eating celery than there are in the celery itself. - L. Day

Married life is full of excitement and frustration :
- In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
- In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
- In the third year, they BOTH speak and the NEIGHBOURS listen.

J. Bryan

Upstairs for brains,
Downstairs for dancing -
I must be a Bungalow!!!!!

J. Clark

Every time you lick a stamp you consume 1/10th of a calorie. - J. Troup

A cockroach can live for up to 2 weeks with their head cut off. - J. Troup

We should be like seahorses and let the males carry the babies. I wonder how many would? - Y. Parsons

When you arrive at your ceremony whether it be civil or religious, just pause for a minute, compose yourself, remember why you are getting married what you love about your partner, and how much you are looking forward to your future togther, and all your family and freinds who have made it possible.

I am sure this will put a smile on your face remembering all the fun times of the planning and the proposal and all the laughs and smiles you have all had a long the way.

This will relax you and ensure you enter with a smile and twinkle in you eye. - R. Bown

Live for today! - R. Perez Hidalgo

To make stainless appliances shine just place a little baby oil on a cloth and rub away any hand prints. - S. Carmichael

To clear up spilled candle wax, place a peice of grease proof paper on the affected area and iron over it. - E. McBean

When thinking of ideas for your "save the date" cards, why not plant some seeds in a mini pot,with compost, put in a lolly stick with your wedding info on the top? Tell your guests to watch them grow as the wedding draws closer! - A. Main

It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open. - H. Mount

Women blink nearly twice as much as men. - H. Mount

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made with only the top row on a keyboard. - H. Mount

Almonds are a member of the peach family. - H. Mount

In 1932, the winter was so cold that Niagra Falls froze solid. - H. Mount

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht frist and lsat ltteer is in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by itslef but the wrod as a wlohe. - H. Mount

The average human eats 8 spiders in their lifetime at night. - H. Mount

If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction. WOW!! - H. Mount

A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continually from the bottom of the glass to the top. - H. Mount

On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily. - H. Mount

Buy from department stores and search pound shops for little things for a wedding. - L. Fox

My top tip, hint is no matter how busy and hectic the day nominate one person to circulate a wedding guest book where all your guests can write their personal messages, jokes, poems etc to the special couple, its well worth the effort as 13 years on i still love to read mine looking at all the unique messages of family and friends who were there to share your special day and some that are sadly no longer with us but are still very much apart of us. My younger brother is getting married in the jamaica in November and i have already started to circulate a special wedding book of all the people who can't make the wedding but want to share a small part of their day with them and i will take the book on with me so everyone on the day can add their message too hopefully before they've had too much jamaican rum! So no matter where the wedding is or how big or small the guest list this will be a special memento that the happy couple will be able to treasure forever. - S. Taylor

Save on petrol by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably passers-by will think you've broken down and help. - L. Day

Some types of oysters can climb trees. - J. Murphy

Did you ever wonder why in restraunts they always serve crab legs..frog legs.lobster tails....Why not the arms..just the claws? maybe someone would like to eat them instead? - S. Langton

Before you tell your partner about any important match/event make sure you organise a really special something for them AT A VENUE WHERE YOU KNOW YOU WILL NOT BE WELCOME !! Works every time !! - L. Gazeley

Save up all your 50 pences and treat yourself every 6 months - N. Ryall

My tip is always buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes because if you are not in one you are in the other. - D. Adams

The first decimal system was introduced in the 4th Century BC by the Sumerians of Mesopotamia, to whom the invention of writing is credited. - A. Martin

Guinea pigs get sick if they don't eat their own waste! - B. Kerry

To water hanging baskets slowly and gently. Place a handful of ice cubes in the centre of the basket overnight. The cubes will thaw slowly and water the plants. - L. Davis

Use baby wipes to clean almost anything - shoes, laminate floors, furniture, the loo, etc. Dust and dirt sticks to the wipe and then you just throw it away. - W. Clayton

Don't waste money on an expensive i-Pod - simply think of a tune you really like and hum it, then, when you get bored, think of a different one. - S. Crosby

Use white vinager to relieve insect bites. down side is you might pong a bit :) - H. Shelcott

Never eat yellow snow - G. Neilson

If you are visiting the Port Adventura Theme park and the kids want something to eat - ask for "Menu Infantil" - usually gets you (depends on eatery) eg a slice of pizza, chips, a drink and ice cream for 8 euros - not as cheap as mcdonalds but larger portions!! - G. Robertson

When you're dying your hair, put a ring of vaseline round your hairline. It'll save you having to scrub for ever to remove stains from your skin! - E. Owen

A SLUG HAS OVER 20,000 TEETH! - G. Corbitt

If you're worried about a can of soft drink fizzing up when you open it, simply turn it upside down and tap the bottom firmly twice before opening. The drink will then not spray everywhere. - G. Morrow

Celebrity icons do not neccessarily make the best football captains Sven ! - G. Taylor

Read carefully anything that requires a signature. Remember ... the big print giveth, the small print taketh away. - K. Baxter